another darkest moment

i have experienced it before, it was a year later when i was on my last semester in college. it was my darkest time, when i can't recognize myself and when i have nothing to do. nowadays, it looks like the old days but in the different form. i just have waiting to pass a day and start a new one, yet i do not know what i should do. time goes for sure, and i know that i just waste my time.

if you read my tumblr, you may know what i feel on this days. i know it's a simple problem. i just have a lot of time to think but with the limited things to do. it feels like being imprisoned in your mind. it likes a cancer that grows on your mind, and you have to keep fighting in order to survive the game. well, it's a tiring one. you do anything in order to survive, not to gain something.

i know that i less smile than before. i wear any possible mask to cover what i'm feeling right now. i try to smile, but i know it's very hard thing to do. and if you observe me, you will know that i try to avoid eye contact or start any conversation. it happens on my environment, either at office or home. i tend to be alone. and i often drop the water on the night, or anytime when the thing attacks me. it's an embarrassment for me, and i try to survive from this. this is not me.

i know that i will lose this battle, but i still have a little chance to overcome this, yet i do not know what i should do in order to make a comeback. if you know the trojan wars, you may know how the mighty troy could be defeated. it has impenetrable defense, but it is very weak on the inside. they attacked on the heart of the city with the trojan horse. and do you know that the weakest part of the human is their heart, and the best offense is the mind. mind can overcome heart if they would, but since heart the weakest part, it needs a lot of things to do.

heart is the central part of human, when it is being attacked, you will know how much destruction that can be happened. there is too much scar in my body, and my mind is fighting very hard to heal that scars. and my mind is overwork, and it's painful. you know i have a lot of time and a little things to do. it makes that the troubled things occupy my mind, because i can't keep my mind busy.

the battlefield is in my mind. i know that i have more advantage if it happens in my mind. it is still my land. but you know with a numerous attack simultaneously, it can crack my defense, my land is now occupied by them, i just try to survive and wait for a great chance to attack. your mind can be dangerous also, it just a wise thing if you can prevent your mind from any attack that you might think not harmful. it looks not harmful at the first, but since it come to your mind it can be very devastating.

it just not happened on my mind alone, but now it moves to another part of my body. it affects my physical environments. it affects my outer body, my health. i don't know. but i'm feeling weak lately. i get dizzy easily, i lose my appetite, and i can't gain weight. i can't sleep, and i often sleep at 2 am or over, or i have a tendency to wake on midnight.

the most troubling thing is happened on my right leg. you should know about it since i wrote it in my blog and my tumblr. well, it feels more painful than before. hahaha. i don't know if this matter can affect my physical body. but it seems. my friend told me to check my leg at doctor, but i always refuse that. the main problem is fear. i fear that it could be more dangerous that i think, well i think it's better for me to know less than to know more. with this condition i just can only assume what is going happened on my leg. and i can have a little faith that it will be going okay, and it can be healed by time.

i can predict the future, and i know what will be happened. but yet i do not know how to face it or change it to a better way. i know it's a simple thing but i do not know the solution, even i know the solution, it is almost impossible for me to do. i have no courage at all, or it is to painful for me to do. hahaha. it's a silly thing. but one thing that i know it distracts me.

i write this without any intention. i don't want to get any sympathy from you with this post. i just want to archive it like i did a year ago. and i can learn from the past. yes it will be more like my personal diary that will last long, since internet will still grow.

and one thing, it just started from a little thing but having a great impact.