greater mind

i didn’t say that i have the brightest mind on the earth.. and i didn’t say that i’m the smartest person over the people that i know.. it’s just i have different mind than others, different perspective that makes me sounds like a nerd or a geek.. being different means that you didn’t follow what others do and makes you feel uncomfortable being in a group.. well, my friend told me that i am a friendly person and can make friends easily, but i tend to choose people and sometimes want to be alone..

i didn’t enjoy being different.. because i have to create a wall so high that only certain people that can climb over it.. and if something comes through your defence, it’s sound like a cultural shock.. whether i will blend with those new things or i aggressively attack and counter those things.. it’s just i can’t accept those new things completely.. i have to filter it first and you know that it’s really troublesome..

somethings wrong with my mind lately.. i have a tendency to judge all actions around me.. and i just decline those actions and compare with my own different perspective mind.. and i occasionally choose mine.. in a short way, i just put a “bad” mark on those actions around me.. it just makes me to be a selfish person, self-centered person that i was the only right person on those place.. and i choose to be silent and keep it shut..

i’m a bad person who judge other blatantly.. i know that is not right.. but in other hand i have to protect me, myself from other worlds that i think it doesn’t match with me, my mind.. sometimes having a really active mind can eat your soul alive.. and it can drive you mad.. it’s like a cancer that grow from your mind and eat your heart until you are heartless.. have no mercy to others.. well, i’m not a psychopath, not yet for now.. but i guess that it grows to be something bigger that i can’t handle..

or maybe, it’s the effect of my age.. where on these ages a lot of people struggle with their philosophy, character and fundamental things on their life.. this is the late stage for me, to decide my philosophy, since after this, i’m not sure that i can change this, or others can influence me to change my philosophy.. or give me some advice that really helpful.. since i always block them out..

well.. i guess i have to deal with it.. do something that i need to control my mind, hoping that they didn’t eat me alive.. need to take necessary actions which i don’t know how to do it.. i hope that i can fix this.. i’m sorry if i do something unpleasant in the middle of this process.. but i hope i won’t hurt anyone and myself..